the beginning

1st day

2006-05-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

just signed my death warrant to sibol-hesus today...anyway i'm not doing it for anyone else but me.

making the consti test was not a pleasant task. parang balik project mode dahil may pasok bukas. pangit ng feeling. why does the past have ways of getting back at my present?maybe because i like it?or masochistic ako?definitely hindi dahil mabait ako..please lang. maybe because it's right? or i think it's right, or society dictates that my answer should be that it's right? ewan. ok yung program as a whole. i just don't like the feeling of being tied to something. i'd enjoy it immensely if it weren't as stifling as it is....

buñag, may pasok pa bukas, matulog ka na......hindi ka bored so wala kang karapatang magblog...para sa kanila lang yan....nite

Argh

2006-05-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

everything's going wrong for me lately.

fine, who am i to get angry at a wonderful world when i haven't known the pain of childbirth (malamang), or the pain of losing parents or the pain of missing an episode in PBB, or even the pain of love.....lol (l.o.l i just discovered is short for lots of love....pero in this case, as what i originally knew..l.o.l here is short for ulol!)....well everyone experiences that kind of pain...however shallow. but anyway, i still have the right to complain, justified or not, because i allow myself to.

mrt on rush hour that fateful night...4/28/06
right now feeling dizzy after drinking a mcdo float
worrying a lot about sibol-hesus
hot weather...maitim na nga ako eh
worn out goggles
sad and depressed people around you
less people going to ateneo
hot weather
no transpo
friends going abroad
and did i say hot weather?

dami ko problema no? andami siguro sa magbabasa nito....as if....na magsasabing what a selfish, ingrate ass i am. dahil kung i-compare ko ang lahat ng problema ko sa problema ng iba, im just an infinitesimal dirt in their mudpile of problems.
maybe i am. but in a weird sense, i like complaining about something...it makes me feel alive that i care so much for the world to voice it out. maybe its a self-assurance na not everything is perfect in my life. nobody likes to be perfect anyway.
or all this philosophical bull**** is just an excuse because deep down, i'm just a whiner....hmmmm i like that excuse better! :)

marami ako problema...and i'm happy that i mean so much to the world that it cares enough to trouble me.
happy saint joseph's day!!!!
astig lahat ng taong may pangalang jose or joseph....except si estrada or si bitangcol

2006-04-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

grabe, its been like....teka (what's 27-14?...+1......ah!) 14 days since my last entry!!!!
a lot of things happened na rin while I was away, and since this is a literary masturbation, I would be very redundant if I told myself exactly what happened. rather than recount mundane plots, I choose to explore my feelings.

I feel like an island. i should be happy for him because he got the scholarship. but that would leave the 4 of us in ateneo. oh bugger, the other one's also leaving to enjoy the luxuries of comfortable living in posh u.p.That leaves us down to 3. and as luck would have it, the three of us are in different schools(by school i mean management, or social science, ...you get it....). ang saya!!!

live with it.
no use getting sad about things you cannot control.

but i feel sad about it. and maybe people need to be sad for a moment before they move on. you can't just be happy about it...yet. abnormal un.

and why am i having alter-ego's? haha repressed na bata!!!
anyway, this entry's quite long enough, enough pay back for my absence. i was never obligated to write anything anyway.
because i choose not to.

(currently reading the screwtape letters by c.s. lewis)

the day i saw 2 videos

2006-04-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

first night back after fontana...shit nangitim ako...i never knew importante pala ang sunblock upang mapangalagaan ang binigay na balat ni God upang labanan ang deadly rays ng radiation...wala sa bundok namin un eh...

never got wasted
never got drunk
never slept before 1am
never had a downer
never had a dull moment with my batchmates :)
had changed somehow

maybe people have to go out with their friends, with no adults or any other hang-up causing disturbances, away from the suffocating suburbs into nowhere land and do stuff they wouldn't otherwise do elsewhere and with anybody else.makes one more sane and uncivilized. and happy!

can people be happy for no apparent reason??? because i am!!!!
(after watching michael fajatin's report and "the hobbits are off to Isengard"video...must-sees)

some old poem

2006-04-08T06:44:00.000-07:00

sidenote: surprisingly, hindi masakit katawan ko after a whole day of badminton and Caps....hmmm whats the reason kaya?....

wala lang...this just came out on our poetry book but i'll share it anyway...it's something i thought of pa since way back....ewan....

Kredo ng Masokista

masarap kamutin ang nanuot na sugat.
masarap kaskasin ang lumang hapdi
hanggang sa mamula't lumabas
ang rimarim ng nana.

masarap kamutin ang nanuot na sugat
'pagkatapos madapa at magasgasan
habang tayo'y naglalaro
ng tayaan.

ako ang taya.

masarap kamutin ang nanuot na sugat
nang minsan kitang hinabol
at nang akmang tatapikin
ay wala ka na
at ang hapdi na lamang ng kalsadang mabato
at ang halimuyak mo
ang nayakap ko.

masarap kamutin ang nanuot na sugat
pero mamaya,
hindi na.

(moonlight sonata on background)
(no film clip today, saturday eh...whatever that means..)

after dinner thoughts

2006-04-07T07:10:00.000-07:00

(background music and latest song addiction: claire de lune on classical spanish guitar)

grabe the last time i felt that stuffed was.....well recently din..hehe but it was really a sumputuos meal...andami pa natira which was surprising since kasama namin si gian at picoy

today, we had dinner with fr. arevalo...kasama ang buong batch..wala lang sharing..
anyway, some after dinner thoughts:

1. masyadong maingay ang batch...which is fun in a way but when we get down to the more serious stuff like planning outings, medyo trouble ung maingay kami
2. hindi na masarap ang green buko salad dessert kung kinain mo ang 2 pots ng kare-kare, 1/2 chicken, isang bowl ng sinigang at isang bangus.....yech why did i ever force myself
3. masarap magbertday na hindi mo alam na bertday mo
4. masarap ang dinner na hindi ka nagbayad....guys medyo umabot tyo ng 5 thou!!!!
5. some people are really kind

i dont know if i'll ever love a bunch of people as much as my batchmates. they're so maingay, makulit, inefficient, musical?, and a lot of things more. they may not know it but at times, they're more family than family....hay sarap maging kabatchmate sila...at sana we cud move on with our obsession with chiyo...tama na!!!!!
fontana, here we come!!!

am currently reading "fr. joe." maganda sya.
scene 2
(the bangka is on a standstill, camera pans on all sides, puro water lang. zoom in on main character's face. his eyes are closed, straight face with just a hint of a smile, wind blowing on his face, his hair all over. slow zoom out. we see him still with eyes closed, clinging on the bangka's mast, his body bathed in morning light, seagulls pass him. zoom out total)
(blackout)
(subtitle: it was happiness)
(end scene)

the beginning

2006-04-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

and so it begins....

but where does it all start?

does it begin with the character's name, the number of crayons he has broken and eaten, the worlds he has visited and become, what's his baon today, what color he felt he was yesterday, the words he owned, what happened during the ball, the dreams he bought, if he hates PBB or not, how he finds jologs cute, the lives he chooses to live?

does it begin with hello?

does it begin with a song?

does it begin with alpha? (not the 1-a thing again....stop it! graduate ka na!)

no.

all stories begin with a journey.
this is mine.

(blackout)
(maglakbay theme in the background, water splashing sounds)
(clip enters, the sea is all over the picture, color: greenish blue; and on the center is a boat, a blackened figure using a paddle to steer his flimsy bangka to the ocean)
(blackout)
(enter opening credits)